It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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