that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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