Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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