thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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