He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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