You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
