so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize