The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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