Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
