I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
