remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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