anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
