Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
