Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
