Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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