You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize