My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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