I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
