At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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