Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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