i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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