im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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