I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
