She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
