and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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