So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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