he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
