when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You ate ashes out of my bong
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