That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize