So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
