I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize