i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
