im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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