the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
