At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize