I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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