my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
