Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You took a bar mat shot.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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