My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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