some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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