Soap is not a condiment
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
