I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
