i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
