I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
