I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
