can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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