I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
