There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize