She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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