I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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