I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
