While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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