i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
