You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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