Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
