My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
