Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
