Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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