got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
