lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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