I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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