well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
